Way back in 2005, I entered into a new phase of my life, from a carefree damsel to a newly wed bride. Doning new roles of a wife, daughter-in-law, Bhabhi, Mami ,Chachi and the list goes on.
With new expectations and new responsibilities, days were passing by.
Luckily, my journey was a little different wherein my cool off period was a little long and the bell started ringing for a grandchild only after 4 years of marriage. Though, never encountered any direct questions but those subtle remarks, expressions were enough to convey me the message.
My journey initially started with doctor visits, numerous blood tests, ultrasounds, and two diagnostic surgery. In the end, results were satisfactory and I was given a green signal by the doctors that I was good to go. All physical pain endured in the process was well gulped by the notion that at least I am good to go with the conceiving process.
Hardly knowing that my nightmare is yet to begin. When you are diagnosed with a problem it’s actually a boon in disguise, you start looking for solutions. Even though I was anatomically and physiologically good to go , motherhood was still a dream, not a reality.
It started with just medicines and trials. Attempts failed so the procedure was upgraded by taking injections every alternate days and trial that was medically termed as IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). With every trial Angel “Hope” resided in my heart assuring me of good results but it only ended in tears. With prayers in my lips and thumping heart, I wished to see those double pink lines on my pregnancy kit stick at the end of every trial. But Alas! without fail it ended up with just a single line shattering all my hopes and dreams of motherhood in split second. You are pushed back to square one, the journey from scratch. New attempts with same medicines but with variation of doses may be more stronger ones this time, more injections added to your list and the procedure in general. Well, in short more physical pain was added to my list, as these hormone related medicines have a lot of side effects like nausea, feeling tired throughout the day, and reeling the moment you are up on your feet.
In the beginning of an attempt, you feel you are a victor fighting with your fear, pain, negative thoughts of your own as well as of the society. But, with every failed attempt you feel you are victimized, you are lost. It’s not only energy draining trials but also slowly kills your self-esteem, you feel you are walking in a dark tunnel with no sign of light.
You are made to feel as if you are the sole culprit of kidnapping all the happiness of the family. There would be thousands of reasons to celebrate and rejoice life but everyone sticks to that particular reason for remaining unhappy.
Married life begins with bond of love, trust, understanding and friendship , in spite of having all this in my life I still felt left out in this battle. I am blessed with a lovely family where everyone especially my in-laws were highly supportive and encouraging. They never blamed me or taunted me for failing to be a mother. But, slowly you start feeling that for yourself, an easy target of self-pity. Gradually, building up low self-esteem.
Each and every failed attempt was a miscarriage for me, though literally I had not carried life within me but all hopes of life. Both your heart and womb bleeds that is not witnessed by the world, only the woman who goes through this phase of struggle endures it.
I wanted to shout, scream, yell when I used to see the single pink line after every attempt but ended up shedding only silent tears. Wanted to vent out all my emotions by sharing it with my acquaintances but kept it all under my hat. I was trying to maintain my calm and composure on outside but was faced by tsunami of emotions inside. It’s a strange battle of two extremes of emotions, one you show to the world is fake and superficial, as you are battered from inside.
The pain that no dictionary describes but only endured by a woman who is fighting silent battles of Infertility. My sole aim of bringing this topic to the forefront is to help out those woman in their battles. In spite of not facing any bitter or sarcastic remarks, my battle was painful. I wonder the plight of several women who face bitter and sarcastic remarks every day for not conceiving. Physical pain is bearable but not mental pain.
We, as a society can render help to these woman in our own small and humble ways. How?? Here you go, start doing the following things, if you happen to meet one.
- Stop Questioning – Why are you not trying? When you both are becoming three? When can we play with our grandchildren? Why are you delaying things? The list is long. Leave them alone, that’s probably the best thing that you can do. This question hurts more than help. The magnitude of pain is unmeasurable, unseen but at times it is devastating for the woman who would have received her reports of failed attempt that day or a day before, when you questioned them.
- Don’t be Over empathetic – Don’t pity them. People think that they are soothing their wound but actually, they are reminding them constantly that they lack something in life.
- Don’t Ostracize them – Even today, our society is being gripped by several superstitious beliefs and practices. Inclusion of ” Banj” or infertile woman in various rituals and ceremonies is not considered auspicious. Inclusion will help them to soothe their sore nerve and boost up their self-esteem.Give them a chance to blossom back,they are already withered.
- Try to motivate them indirectly – Help them out to follow their passion or a hobby. To nurture their passion. This will help them to rediscover themselves in the new AVATAR. Best things happen when least expected. This phenomenon works best for even conceiving. Focussing on something constructive in your life will help you to rejuvenate. Startup with dancing, writing, painting, singing anything where your heart follows. You never know you might get lucky by taking up your passion and achieve your most cherished dream of motherhood.
Failed attempts created a void in my life, constantly pushing me to the edge . Empty womb cried every month with every failed attempt. Wombache, the ache that you feel more mentally rather physically.
When Others Get Pregnant
I want people to know that every pregnancy announcement is devastating.
Not because you’re not happy for them, but because you’re sad for you.
–Jennifer Brynn Jones
DON’T BE THE HAND TO PUSH THEM TO AGONY BUT BE THE HAND TO PULL THEM BACK TO LIFE.